riddlemethis | Well, so much for that

Current Mood: depressed

Well, so much for that

It turns out that life: it sucks.

I'm done. I'm going to move.

Turns out, no one gives a crap about me. It turns out that people that you think are sweet are liars. Liars that hurt you. That treat you like an object, they use you up and leave you alone. They let you wander in the dark without any memories to be picked up by your worst enemy. This was... terrible.

I hate my life. I hate everything.

And I'm leaving this journal. There's no need to help undesirable people contact me.

I'm done.

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Wow. So you've chosen the psychopath option then.

You sure know how to make a guy feel loved.

Do I have any choice? You won't listen to me either way.

And I do love you. Even if you don't believe me. Even if you think I'm a psychopath.

It may just make you think I'm even crazier, but... I assume you've looked me up already. If so, you know how I usually deal with rejection. But I care about you. I want you to care about me. And so I assure you that I have no intention of hurting you...

Hah. You're threatening me. Really? You say that you have no intention of hurting me, but then you remind me of your past?

Do you honestly think this is going to make me forgive you? Really.

You are just killing every chance you ever had with me. What are you planning on doing? Stalking me and watching me for the rest of me life? Are you going to catch me, go through with it? Are you going to rape me Jonny? So you want to force me this time? You are such an asshole. I can't believe you're treating me this way.

I was a fool to ever think you were a decent person. I can't... I can't believe how stupid I've been.

I've never let anyone break my heart like this, Jonathan. I've never felt like this. I've never felt so hurt. I thought I had someone special in you... I thought that we were... special. And now I'm just another person to stalk. Just another person who turned you down because you don't care about people. Because you treat them like objects. Because you know nothing about people. Do you honestly think this is how to win me over? God.

I really, really hate you.

What? No... No! I'm not threatening you! I'm just saying... That I have no intention of acting as I have in the past. I don't want to hurt you. I won't hurt you! I... I don't know what I intend to do. I just want to be with you.

Do you really think I would even think about raping you?

No, don't answer that. You obviously do.

I'm not a decent person. I've never claimed to be. But I can be. I want to be. I want...

You're not just another person. You'll never be just another person to me. You're beautiful and brilliant and the only person I've ever really... God, Edward, I don't WANT to stalk you. I just want to find a way to make you like me again. I don't want to treat you like an object. I want to treat you like someone I love.

...Don't say you hate me. Please, stop it. I can't stand it.

I HATE YOU!

Jonny... Are you for real? You claim to love me, but... Your response to me being hurt and traumatize by you is to stalk me? All you care about is what you want and what you need, not about me at all. What if I need space? What if being around you hurts me? You'd prolong that pain for me? Honestly, its pretty obvious you don't care about me.

So stop lying to me. Stop pretending like this is about me. You're just pissed off that you were rejected. Its just sad.

Don't... I...

I never thought of it that way. I guess... I... You're right. The doctors are right. I'm just a sociopath. Edward...

I'll leave you alone. You won't have to worry about seeing me.

...

If I give you space, if I leave you alone for a while... Can I see you again? I'll give you time, and space. And... I could use the time, too. To think. Would that be alright? Please, Eddie.

I... I can't promise anything. I really can't promise anything.

Maybe. If I can forgive you when I'm by myself, then... God, I don't know. I wasn't as mad at you before today. But the way you've spoken to me since I decided to leave... I may never forgive you. I had no idea you were this horrible of a person.

I'll see you later. Maybe. For now...

Don't count on it.

I'm not...

I'm sorry. I never meant to treat you badly. I never meant for any of this to happen...

I know it doesn't mean anything to you now, but... I love you. I really love you.

Goodbye, Eddie. I hope I'll see you again.

I wish...

I wish that meant something. God you have no idea how much I wish that.

Good bye, Jonathan.

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Well, so much for that

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