riddlemethis | Well, so much for that

Current Mood: depressed

Well, so much for that

It turns out that life: it sucks.

I'm done. I'm going to move.

Turns out, no one gives a crap about me. It turns out that people that you think are sweet are liars. Liars that hurt you. That treat you like an object, they use you up and leave you alone. They let you wander in the dark without any memories to be picked up by your worst enemy. This was... terrible.

I hate my life. I hate everything.

And I'm leaving this journal. There's no need to help undesirable people contact me.

I'm done.

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Edward, don't go. Wait, please.

I waited. I gave you space and time to think. But I didn't expect...

No, let me start over. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you by yourself. I loved you. I love you. But I was ashamed. I hurt you, and I was ashamed. When you went into a coma, I was too ashamed to see you. What right did I have to even see the man I'd scared and hurt? And when you woke up? When you needed me most? I... I wanted to be there for you. But I was afraid. You know who I am, Edward. You know what it means to me to admit that. But I was terrified. I couldn't face you. And I regret that to no end. I wasn't there when you needed me because I was afraid of what you thought of me.

I should have told you right away, about how I felt and what I'd done. But I just thought that somehow I'd gotten a second chance. That I could make things right. Obviously, I was wrong.

But please, Eddie, don't leave. I want to make it up to you. I want to make this right. I don't want to leave you alone any more. I know that I've kept things from you, and I hurt you before, and I haven't been very honest with you.

But I never treated you like an object, Eddie. I never meant to make you feel that way. I... I adore you.

Talk to me, Edward. Please...

Are you kidding me? Considering you sexually attacked me, then of course you were treating me as an object. You can't hurt me like that and expect me to believe that you adore me?

You lied to me. In one of my earlier posts, you mentioned how you knew how much I hate liars. You knew that. How could you dare to hurt me like this and claim to love me?

You are the worst. Don't talk down to me like this. I already feel like enough of an idiot for trusting you. Even knowing who you are, even knowing what you've done... I forgave you! I forgave you for everything, and you still lied to me. I hate you.

I won't forgive you. I hate the way you talk to me. I hate the way you look at me. I hate you.

You know what the worst part is? If you had been honest to me, come to me after I woke up and told me everything... I would have forgiven you. I would have loved you for stepping up when I needed you.

You claim to be the master of fear, but you're just a coward. Well, I sincerely hope that this is your worst nightmare because you deserve it!

God, I hate that I'm so angry. I hate that I feel this way. I'm so tired...

I... I don't know what to say. I'm trying so hard to be different from how I used to be. To keep myself in control. I don't ever want to lose control the way I did before. Not when it comes to you.

I'm not talking down to you, Eddie. I... You're right, okay? I'm a coward. I'm a complete coward. I couldn't face you, and because of it I've messed up yet again.

Edward, please. I want to make it up to you somehow. I love you. I need you. I need you to forgive me.

I'd do anything for you. I know I sound desperate, but... I don't want to lose you again.

I know you're angry, but don't say you hate me. I can't stand it...

What if I do hate you? What, exactly, would you do about it? I'm moving. I've already bought out my lease and found a new place. Don't contact me again.

I'm sorry. Well, not really. You... you really hurt me.

I was actually... I sort of liked you, okay? I can't believe this! I feel so stupid. I probably liked you before too, before you assualted me. So twice now. Twice I've let myself feel for you, and twice you've hurt me.

You really think I'm going to let that happen again? Do you think I'm stupid?

Forget it. Leave me alone.

No. I'm not going to leave you alone. I did last time, and I still regret it. I told you before that my... proclivities wouldn't be an issue. But if I'm lying left and right, I may as well break that too. I will follow you. I won't give up until I get you to forgive me. The Scarecrow does not give up.

...

I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't think that way. And it's not helping my case.

Give me one more chance, Eddie. I never wanted to hurt you. Not before, not now, not ever. You're the one person I never wanted to hurt. And the person I hurt the most. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Edward... Please. One more chance. Come meet with me. I won't hurt you again.

You really do think I'm stupid, don't you?

"The Scarecrow doesn't give up?" And you want me to come over to your home, alone? You are absolutely psychotic. You and I will never be alone together again. I swear to go, I will go to Batman for protection if I think you are following me.

God, you are so creepy.

Edward... God, I would talk to you in front of Batman if that's what it would take! I don't mean to be creepy. I didn't mean for any of this to happen...

I just want to talk to you. I will talk in front of Batman, if that would make you feel safe. Even if it means I will go to Arkham afterwards.

I...

No.

I'm not giving you another chance. Not again.

Good bye, Jonny. Don't look for me.

Then I'm sorry.

But I'm not going to listen.

I'm going to look for you.

I'm not going to lose you. Not again.

Wow. So you've chosen the psychopath option then.

You sure know how to make a guy feel loved.

Do I have any choice? You won't listen to me either way.

And I do love you. Even if you don't believe me. Even if you think I'm a psychopath.

It may just make you think I'm even crazier, but... I assume you've looked me up already. If so, you know how I usually deal with rejection. But I care about you. I want you to care about me. And so I assure you that I have no intention of hurting you...

Hah. You're threatening me. Really? You say that you have no intention of hurting me, but then you remind me of your past?

Do you honestly think this is going to make me forgive you? Really.

You are just killing every chance you ever had with me. What are you planning on doing? Stalking me and watching me for the rest of me life? Are you going to catch me, go through with it? Are you going to rape me Jonny? So you want to force me this time? You are such an asshole. I can't believe you're treating me this way.

I was a fool to ever think you were a decent person. I can't... I can't believe how stupid I've been.

I've never let anyone break my heart like this, Jonathan. I've never felt like this. I've never felt so hurt. I thought I had someone special in you... I thought that we were... special. And now I'm just another person to stalk. Just another person who turned you down because you don't care about people. Because you treat them like objects. Because you know nothing about people. Do you honestly think this is how to win me over? God.

I really, really hate you.

What? No... No! I'm not threatening you! I'm just saying... That I have no intention of acting as I have in the past. I don't want to hurt you. I won't hurt you! I... I don't know what I intend to do. I just want to be with you.

Do you really think I would even think about raping you?

No, don't answer that. You obviously do.

I'm not a decent person. I've never claimed to be. But I can be. I want to be. I want...

You're not just another person. You'll never be just another person to me. You're beautiful and brilliant and the only person I've ever really... God, Edward, I don't WANT to stalk you. I just want to find a way to make you like me again. I don't want to treat you like an object. I want to treat you like someone I love.

...Don't say you hate me. Please, stop it. I can't stand it.

I HATE YOU!

Jonny... Are you for real? You claim to love me, but... Your response to me being hurt and traumatize by you is to stalk me? All you care about is what you want and what you need, not about me at all. What if I need space? What if being around you hurts me? You'd prolong that pain for me? Honestly, its pretty obvious you don't care about me.

So stop lying to me. Stop pretending like this is about me. You're just pissed off that you were rejected. Its just sad.

Don't... I...

I never thought of it that way. I guess... I... You're right. The doctors are right. I'm just a sociopath. Edward...

I'll leave you alone. You won't have to worry about seeing me.

...

If I give you space, if I leave you alone for a while... Can I see you again? I'll give you time, and space. And... I could use the time, too. To think. Would that be alright? Please, Eddie.

I... I can't promise anything. I really can't promise anything.

Maybe. If I can forgive you when I'm by myself, then... God, I don't know. I wasn't as mad at you before today. But the way you've spoken to me since I decided to leave... I may never forgive you. I had no idea you were this horrible of a person.

I'll see you later. Maybe. For now...

Don't count on it.

I'm not...

I'm sorry. I never meant to treat you badly. I never meant for any of this to happen...

I know it doesn't mean anything to you now, but... I love you. I really love you.

Goodbye, Eddie. I hope I'll see you again.

I wish...

I wish that meant something. God you have no idea how much I wish that.

Good bye, Jonathan.

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Well, so much for that

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